Touches

We were at the dance class I signed us up for. The instructor called for us getting into what I think is called the “Closed Dance Position”. Within a second my left hand was holding her right hand and my right hand reaching to her back, her left arm resing on my right arm. This was the longest I’ve touched and held her since Christmas Day (December 25)…

If you did the math just like I did, it is 16 days.

Not considering a few long hugs this past weekend and when she arrived at the end of the long week.

Very long time to lack intimacy of any sort. And I am not just referring to sex (or lack thereof). I am referring to lack of any physical sign of affection or any form of a connection that is more than two (basically) friends standing next to each other.

This is even after spending severa nights in the same bed.

Then comes the dilemma. Am I just being friendzoned without really calling it what it is? Or is it really that of a perfect storm of many things coming together around the same time?

Lately I have been fighting this internal battle of conflicting thoughts and conclusion in my head.

The objective me concludes over and over again that this is textbook friendzoning. There is always an explanation for the lack of intimacy (still not thinking about sex only, but any form of intimacy). It is job stress. It is a close family member leaving from their holiday break spent with us. It is Auth Flow in town. Her dog (who is truly me good buddy by now) is being ill. It is…

The hopeful me concludes over and over again that she is trying, she is trying very hard. She is still making an effort for us to meet. She is still making an effort trying to find time to spend together. Every once in a while, we share a long hug. Embrace each other. She is still…

The truth is: the longer this is going on, the more it feels like breadcrumbing and me clinging onto hope and promise.

To a hope that this might change. To a promise from her that once this perfect storm passes and she can recharge, it will be better. She will have more to give. Because currently she is running on empty and she has nothing to give from when she is running on empty.

I love her and I understand that one can only give so much and we can only give if we have anything to give from.

The fact is: my batteries of intimate relationship related reserves which would typically be built up from some form of affection or unsolicited, but organically provided reassurances are basically empty. By now I am running on fumes. Any spare change I could find, I’ve cashed them in already. Feel free to use your analogy.

There are so many thoughts I have right now and yet I have none. Very confusing state of mind. Very confusing state of heart.

Stay tuned, more to come…