Paralized

Have you ever had that you wished you could have summed something up with one word, but not really finding that word?

Then talking to someone else, explaining in so many words what’s on your mind, only for that person to say that word and you having that “aha!” moment? I just had that moment today.

Paralized. That was the word I was looking for… “She is paralized” is how that word found my ears and as soon as my brain processed it, the world seemed to pause for a bit. Damn it, she is paralized! How can I help to get unparalized? I am not even sure if unparalized is a real word, but for now I will make it to be.

I love her. I love her very much. I care about her.

And because I care about her is why it hurts me to watch her struggle.

Pulling back. Retrieving. Only to reach out. She is trying. But it is obvious that there is some internal conflict going on under the surface.

“I feel overwhelmed” she said a few times. She is seeking space. A phrase she uses when she feels overwhelmed and feel the need to retrieve to her safe space. To recharge. I felt for her. I reassured her that I am here to support her and give her the space and whatever other form of support she needs from me.

This has been going on for weeks, couple months at least by now. Probably enterig the thick of the third month, approaching four.

In other words there is really no end in sight and it is not trending in the right direction.

I also feel sad that I cannot seem to help her with anything else. And that is my side of this struggle.

Currently I don’t see a way out of it, but I know one thing: I don’t want to give up trying.

I will have to regroup and come up with a plan. A different approach I can try as whatever I’ve tried so far is clearly not working.